So what does my marriage look like?

My marriage is patriarchal and you may be wondering what that means and looks like.

For us my husband has the final say in decisions. Does that mean that he does it all alone, sitting on his throne of “husbandhood”? No, 99% percent are made through discussion. Are they always right? Nope, but as a marriage is a 100%/100% partnership there is no blame. Do we always agree? Nope, but now we discuss where we are both coming from.

What is my role in our marriage? As my husband tells people I am the CFO of our family. It is true I control our finances. I have all the data and can offer options on what we can and cannot do. Do I wear an apron (no, I would love to, but find them uncomfortable.) and heels, like some throw back to 1950’s advertisement? No, I am usually bear foot, in yoga pants or shorts, a tee shirt and I stopped coloring my hair so it is gray, short and spiky. Do I sit all day waiting for my husband to direct me? Nope, I do what needs to be done. If my husband notices something in the house he will mention it, it gets put on the list or he does it himself.

Am I a helpless little female? Far from it as I realize the power that I have being the heart of the home. Everything runs around me. No lie it does. If an appliance makes a weird noise or is running hot I am on it. If someone, human or animal, isn’t feeling 100% I know it. I will strip down our vacuum and rug shampooer at the drop of a hat to make sure they are running the best they can. I will sit with who ever is having an off day physically, emotionally or spiritually and give them the love and care they need.

Having this arrangement for my marriage means that my husband and I are not debating “who is in charge” when we need to get things done. From painting our house, to paying bills, giving to charity or making out our wills. I treat my husband with the respect he deserves as my husband and he treats me with the respect of being his wife. We have a marriage that is built on tears and prayers, but it so much stronger for being built on Christ. We have figured out that it is never about “me”, but always about “us”.

God bless!

I laughed and then I stopped

I am a fan of Candace Cameron Bure. I enjoy her acting, but I am more of fan because of what a strong woman she is. She lives her faith and doesn’t apologize for it. She appears to be very down to earth, family and God focused and I so appreciate it. So imagine my surprise when I saw an article a couple of months ago about scandals of the Fuller House series, but what really made me burst out laughing was that for Mrs. Bure was that her is a marriage is “patriarchal”. Then noticing that this was thought to be a scandal by the writers of the article I stopped laughing.

So let’s talk about marriage some more.

My husband and I are working hard to create a “partriachal” marriage. We really are. Here is the reason.

Marriage is hard. I didn’t marry until my forties. I had a job that was stressful and I made good money. I was able to help out my parents and it was my mother’s dream job. I dealt with government agencies at federal and state levels and top corporate executives. I traveled and blah, blah, blah. When I met my husband I was very independent and used to doing everything. My husband got out of a bad marriage. As he says it took both of them to break it. He was independent and just as stubborn as I was.

Our first few years of marriage were exciting. There were screaming matches, tears and storming away from each other. Our biggest problem, honestly, was that we were both trying to lead. When I say lead I mean wrench the control of the marriage from the other as we both new better. I will honestly tell you that our marriage suffered from pig headiness, paganism, and ignorance. What changed? We did.

The biggest change for me happened in 2015. I don’t know why, but I rediscovered EWTN and Mother Angelica. I suddenly started doing internet searches on marriage. God centered marriage and how to live as a Godly wife. Once I started on that path there was no holding me back. I quickly saw what was the issue with our marriage. You can’t have two horses leading when they are yoked together. It’s ugly. They spend more time fighting each other than gaining ground on the journey.

Now the most interesting challenge of creating a God centered marriage wasn’t my husband leaving paganism, but getting him to see the benefits of a patriarchal marriage and getting him to step into that role. Seriously, that was, and still, is the hardest part. The reason is the society we live in and how we have been convinced of how worthless men are. My husband doesn’t feel that he good enough to lead our family. Until a year and half ago my husband was a huge fan of the Simpson, Family Guy and shows like that. I have never really been a fan of the Simpsons so I never got in those types of shows. The reason is how disrespectful they are. I mean across the board, but especially to men. So our biggest challenge has been countering the brainwashing of my husband. I am so happy to say we have made huge progress.

You may be asking why this was so important an issue for me. Simple answer is that marriage is a partnership and you can’t do it all. I couldn’t. I couldn’t manage everything and be the heart of the home. That was what was happening. We didn’t know how to be a partnership. I was so used to doing everything anyway I just kept going when he showed no interest in the financials, home repair, or the daily grind of our relationship. Please don’t get me wrong he has always been a great husband and this wasn’t only on his side. I had no idea how to be a wife. I “knew” how to be a woman! A wife? Turns out I no freaking idea.

That was when it changed. When I found myself doing dishes and contemplating a divorce. I was having an internal conversation on just how easy it would be to walk away. To wash my hands of all of the “hard”. I mean wasn’t it his “JOB” to make it better? What was he doing to help our relationship? When I realized that what my husband did do, the script he was following, was what we were being told to do. He had his friends, I had mine, he had his band account, I had mine, he had his family, I had mine. He had his computer and I had mine. We had SEPARATE closets! We had separate lives that we didn’t even try to combine.

Why did we ever think that it would work?

The short answer is it doesn’t. We are just over seven years married and I thank God every day for my marriage. We don’t have the twenty-four years that Candace has with her husband, but I pray that we get there. With a God centered, patriarchal marriage that is filled with love, prayer, honesty, communication and laughter I think we will.

God bless!

Trying a new approach in prayer

My husband was married before and we do not have a good relationship with his ex. We have been praying for her regularly lately and it is becoming easier to do.

This morning while sitting outside, drinking coffee, watching our pups play she came across my thoughts and my jaw clenched and my blood pressure just went up.

I stopped. I was taken by surprise by how angry I became and I just asked God why. Why am I so angry? Yes, we have run into struggles because of her. No lie, we have, but I have to wonder if the same can’t be said for her.

So I asked God to help me to understand. To soften my heart towards her. As I pray that (I have been praying it rather intensely today) my eyes are opening up to different things she has said in the past. Instead of being snarky, even in my head, I am actually looking at what she said and wondering if some of these statements weren’t said in the way we thought.

What if she really didn’t understand how asking for a divorce lead to a divorce? What if she got some bad advice that it would “make Kin tow the line”? We all have that person we consider a friend who has no business giving advice. I have been rolling statements she has made over the last eight years and my perspective is changing.

Will we ever be BFF’s? I kind of doubt it. My hope is that God will soften my heart, and my husbands, so that we can just love her and support her in any, and every, way possible.

Have you ever prayed that your heart be “softened” or “opened”? What were your results?

God Bless

Let’s talk about marriage

I want to talk about marriage today. I got married for the first time seven years ago last May. I have to admit that it is nothing like I thought it would be. It is more amazing and perplexing than I could have ever imagined.

When I met my husband, Kin, I just knew. He knew. He actually asked me to marry him on our third date, I said yes, and then we both freaked out. We didn’t get officially engaged until Thanksgiving Day 2012 three months after we first met. When I told my mom that I met the man I was going to marry she looked at me and asked me why I would want to do that. This from the woman who tell everyone that all she ever wanted for me was to meet a nice man and get married. I met an amazing man who is perfect for me. Her reaction was (this is honestly what she said) “Haven’t you reached that point in life yet where you don’t want to be around men?” followed by “Why? Why do you want to marry HIM?”

My response to the first question was “Huh? I don’t understand the question.” My answer to the second question was simple “I love him and he loves me.” No lie her response was to ask me if that was it. If “love” was the only reason. Well, yes and no. There was love and this feeling… more than a feeling though. It was the knowledge that he was it. I couldn’t explain it. I still can’t, but I knew. I knew it wouldn’t be easy. I mean, come on, I lived through my parents marriage so I knew marriage wasn’t easy.

It isn’t. Yet, it is. It is amazing ups and downs with these periods of calm, every day life. That is where our real living and loving is.

I look at marriage as being those moments. The incredibly normal and every day moments where you suddenly realize again that you married this incredible, normal, goofy, loving and amazing human being who is your best friend. Don’t get me wrong we annoy each other at times. Those moments where you look at your spouse with disbelief and exasperation while considering your response. We argue, but not all that often. When we do it is usually rather explosive, but short. We apologize and here is how it starts “I hate when we fight.” That is it. We then discuss what we argued about and deal with it. Some items are easy and some are nightmarish to deal with it. We do though.

I had a young woman I know get divorced after three months of marriage. When I asked why she answered “I thought I would marry him and he would fix everything that was wrong.” I have to admit I burst out laughing. Once I got control of myself I told her that it doesn’t work that way and to really think about what she was putting on her husband. No one can do that except ourselves working with God. A good therapist can help, but no one person can fix everything in our life.

My husband and I have been married for a bit over seven years and have known each other for a bit over eight. Every day, even the bad ones, I realize that I married my best friend and the man that was made for me.

Is it easy? No, honestly it isn’t. We are very alike and very different. He is a morning person. He can hold a conversation about world events after being awake for ten minutes while still drinking his FIRST cup of coffee.

Who does that? My mother was that way. How does that happen? It baffles me. I take two cups of coffee to understand I am up unless there is an emergency. In emergency situations I am all functioning, but in normal every day life? Nope. Do not ask me questions that actually need a response or honestly that need english to be spoken. Don’t tell me anything important that has to be remembered as there is a only 50/50 chance it will happen.

My husband also falls asleep when we got to bed. Okay, that isn’t that weird, but I find it amazing how quickly he falls asleep. He falls asleep after the last word in a sentence. I swear he has a switch. It floors me as I take a while to fall asleep. I have to unwind, quiet my mind or whatever you call it. I have to admit there have been nights when he has fallen asleep, I watch him with envy and then I have to fight the urge to poke him and ask if he is sleeping. Yes, I lost the fight to the urge and have done it. I know it is so petty! On the flip side my husband always wakes up earlier than me and there has been many a morning when I have been woken with “I’m lonely and bored! Can you wake up?” LOL! We both have our moments.

Honestly, that is what marriage is. A bunch of moments strung together and they are good, bad, exciting, heart breaking, soul renewing moments of life.

Do I recommend marriage? I do. With all my heart I do, but you have to work at it. Your marriage has to be healthy and the most important thing in your life right after God.

God Bless!

Walking with the Blessed Mother…

I know I have said this before, but I LOVE saying the rosary. It is a beautiful way to focus on the life our Lord, Jesus Christ. I have always found great comfort in our Blessed Mother. No matter what challenges I face I know that I have a Mother who will help me. Most importantly She will lead me to her greatest gift… Her Son.

For those who are unfamiliar with the rosary here is a very quick break down of it.

A rosary is a round band of beads. There is a loop and a straight strand. At the end of the straight strand is a cruxfix, then the first of six Our Father beads and then a set of three smaller beads which you start reciting of Hail Mary’s. After the second Our Father bead we have five sets of the Hail Mary beads in groups of ten. Sounds unforgiving, doesn’t it? Sounds like it will take forever. I haven’t even mentioned the other prayers involved, but relax. It isn’t painful at all. It can, if given a chance, bring you so close to Jesus you will be floored.

Here is how you grow closer to Jesus. The mysteries! There are four groups of mysteries.

The Joyful which includes the Annunciation to Mary, the Visitation of our Blessed Mother to Elizabeth, The Nativity, The presentation of Jesus in the temple and Find Jesus in the Temple at the age of twelve.

The Luminous that starts with the Baptism of Jesus, the Wedding Feast of Cana, the Proclamation of the Kingdom, the Transfiguration, and then the Institution of the Eucharist.

The Sorrowful which includes the Agony in the Garden, the Scourging at the Pillar, the Crowning of Thorns, the Carrying of the Cross, and the Crucifixion.

Finally you have the Glorious mysteries that begin with the The Resurrection, The Ascension, the Descent of the Holy Spirit, the Assumption of the Blessed Mother and the Coronation of Mary as Queen of Heaven.

The rosary allows you to focus on life of Jesus in a way that is different than reading the bible. There are a ton of resources to get you started, or if you are experienced check out some of books that offer a deeper experience of the bible. One that I love to use The Contemplative Rosary with St. John Paul II and St. Teresa of Avila.

I know that there is this idea out there the as a catholic I “worship” the Blessed Mother. No, I worship God the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, but I hold the Blessed Mother in great and loving regard. With out Mary and her yes we would not have our Savior.

Lately the rosary is opening so much in my life. Healing that I didn’t realize I needed. A lot of my anger is fading as I let the lessons of my Saviors life unfold before me. I am finding that I can bring the challenges of being a wife, mother and caregiver before my Holy Mother ask her to bring them to her Son. As a catholic it isn’t odd to ask those who are in the presence of God to pray for us. It is completely normal in my eyes and I know that if my Mom asked me to intercede on someone behalf I would have. Can you just imagine what Jesus would do for His Mother?

I am off to say a Rosary.

God Bless!

9/11 – remembering and rambling

Today is a day filled with emotion for me. As I am sure it is for you.

I remember where I was, at work, I remember when I first heard and my first thought. A coworker said that a plan hit one of the trade towers and I remember my first thought was that we were under attack. I remember my second thought being that was stupid. I remember trying to get a hold of my mom in New Jersey to see if she new where all the family was and not being able to get a hold of her by phone, but finally by email. I remember crying for days.

I remember.

I remember the pride as our nation came together and the sadness when the finger pointing started.

I remember when a national tragedy became a political talking point.

I remember when it hit me that political parties are the new religion and people put their faith in man and scream when it is discovered that they are human and fail, like we all do.

I remember.

Also remember that this day is someone’s birthday. I am blessed with two people in my life who I celebrate today. One is “my sister” who lives in England and has made my life amazing. The other is man who served with my younger brother who is an amazing human being and has made my life better knowing him. So happy birthday Ali and Raj. I love you both!

Today will be a day of remembering. The sadness, pain, and horror, but also the bravery. Examples of the very best of humanity that was produced by the very worst.

Hold your family tight, pray hard and know that you are loved.

God Bless

I’m jealous of my husband

It is kind of a weird confession to say that I am jealous of my husband. I’m sure that some folks are thinking it’s because he is a man and “blah, blah, blah”. Nope, none of that stuff. There are two things I am jealous of: his hair (it is gorgeous) and his knowledge of the bible. Specifically, the old testament.

Hubby was raised mormon and bible study was, and is, a major part of their religion.

I was raised catholic and, sadly, in my household we had bibles, but rarely opened them.

Here we are, both of us are now on fire catholics and reading the bible. Here is jealousy. His understanding is crazy! On occasion we read the bible together and I am just blown away at how in-depth he gets in the interpretation of the passages. Mean while I feel like I am sitting there all “so there was stuff going on, right?” He has all this knowledge and is years ahead of me in the study of the bible. There are times when I seriously want to pinch him. Not to hard, but I get that teenager feeling of it isn’t fair! Look at all he got and I didn’t!

Then I stop and recognize two things: the fact that he is reading the bible again and his wonder at it.

While he grew up studying the bible he didn’t read it for the word of God. When he first converted he didn’t want to read the bible. As he put it “I already have. Cover to cover. It doesn’t change.” He didn’t understand that God would use the bible to talk to him. To bring new insight and understanding of life and its challenges. The fact that the catholic bible has books that are not in the Kin James Bible blew him away. He never knew that and, honestly, neither did I.

So I am jealous of him, but his reaction of excitement and wonder at reading the bible is contagious. We don’t read it together that often as I am just getting into it and for the first time it is all clicking. I am excited instead of being overwhelmed. Reading it alone allows me to be open to God’s word and his message to me. There are days when we will excitedly tell each other that we have to share a verse or chapter and we have amazing conversations sharing the message of God.

While I am jealous I am so thankful that my husband has this understanding. This zeal as it is contagious and so exciting. Reading the bible can be overwhelming, but I am blessed to have my husband to lead the way.

His hair, well, at least I get to run my fingers through that gorgeous mane!

God Bless.

The question is “Do we need prayer?”

I posted “Who do you pray for?” the other day to share what my husband and I have experienced in our prayer life recently. This what my blog is about. Sharing our walk with God. I will be honest I’m not really comfortable with blogging, but I am just led to do it.

On FB I have a page for my blog. That is the main reason I am back on FB. I couldn’t figure out have to have a page for my blog without a personal page. Maybe I will figure it out one day.

Yesterday on FB I got a comment from someone new. Full disclosure: I rarely get comments. I have one cousin who always comments and I adore her for it. I get it as I know I am writing about stuff that is uncomfortable. We aren’t really supposed to talk about this.

Anyway, I got a comment and I was kind of excited. Then I wasn’t. I was confused and I responded.

Guys, it spiraled from there.

While it was confusing and weird here is what I got of it: We need prayer and a whole lot of it.

This whole “conversation” had me drag my husband over the computer when he walked in the door saying “read this blog, then read these comments and tell me what I am missing”. He did all the reading and looked at me stating it didn’t make sense. Then he did the protective hubby routine. I love that man!

Then it did. The reason behind the comments and a one star rating on my blog all made sense. My blog wasn’t political enough.

I’m not political. I’m not. I don’t look to the general population, let alone politicians, to guide me as we humans are fickle and mean. Seriously, I can go for the jugular at the drop of the hat on a bad day. We are fallen.

That is why we need prayer. We need to pray for others. Especially for all who are hurting and we all are.

Be kind, offer mercy and grace. Pray for those who attack you as you don’t know what they are suffering with.

God Bless.

Who do you pray for?

Let me ask you a question: who do you pray for? If you had asked me this question a couple of months ago I would have answered my family, friends, all loved ones, those who are fighting any and every kind of illness and the list goes on.

What you wouldn’t normally find would be our government officials or those I have a dislike for. Being totally honest here. If I did it was kind of a grudgingly inclusion. More of a “look, Lord, I am praying for them” and it was through gritted teeth.

Around the death of George Floyd that changed. One night as my husband and I were praying I prayed for Mr. Floyd, his family, the police officers, the protestors, the people in leadership and the list goes on. I begged God on behalf of our country. Now, this occurs most days. Somedays, usually exhausting ones, there are the short prayers that are kind of “blanket” prayer.

What is interesting is what happened a week or two after this started. My husband looked at me one day and said “I am being asked to pray for President Trump.”

Let me say here that neither of us voted for President Trump in 2016. While I have become more supportive of him I have a strong desire to have someone wrestle his phone from him. My husband has not been supportive or, honestly, kind when it come to the president.

So my husband has been praying for our president daily. I, the “I don’t trust any politician” now prays for all of them daily. Last night I started praying for the protestors and the rioters.

I have to tell you it is amazing. What God is working in our life through praying for people who my normal reaction is “they need a good shaking” is now “they need love”.

It isn’t easy, but that is the point of it.

One of my favorite movies is “The Star” and my favorite line is said by Mary.

“Just because God has a plan doesn’t mean it’s going to be easy, and that scares me.”

Yet, through her whole life she had faith. I strive to have a fraction of the faith that our Blessed Mother had.

It isn’t easy and I call on God to help me all the time. I will say it is so worth the effort. The change will amaze you.

God Bless

I wish I could apologize

Yesterday I helped a friend out on FB who posted one of those post against pediphils and it was in reference to the passing of the California bill SB-145.

I’m not here to discuss that bill. I have issues with it, but today isn’t the day for the discussion.

In helping out by providing information another “discussion” started and I quickly opted out when I realized what I was dealing with. This morning one comment kept rattling around my head “That would never happen. People wouldn’t allow it!” This morning I realized I owed my parents and grandparents an apology.

Last night I also realized that I am officially one of the older generation that “knows nothing and doesn’t understand”.

This is for my generation and those who came after us.

I’m sorry. Mom and Dad, I am sorry I didn’t listen to you when you spoke about the importance of respecting myself as a child of God. I am sorry when I didn’t pay attention to you when you spoke about how the school systems were changing and you found it worrisome. I am sorry I didn’t listen when you spoke about how the attitude towards our country was changing and it scared you. I’m sorry how I didn’t listen closely enough to your fears on where we were heading as a society and what it meant to our families. I’m sorry and I truly wished I had listened to you more instead of thinking “that will never happen”.

Because it has.

To the younger generation: I am sorry.

I am sorry that we have allowed you to be raised by strangers. I am sorry we let celebrities become our idols and money/polictical parties our gods. I am sorry we decided that parenting was beneath us and a “good” roll model was someone chasing a name for themselves or things. I am sorry that we have let schools get so out of control we can’t see the lesson plan. I am sorry that we built a society in which we have no idea what true want is. I am sorry that we put our phones, computers and social network likes before you. I am sorry that we buy into the idea that you are a burden. I am sorry that we taught you that you aren’t a child of God, that “you do you” is the best thing in the world and that being of service to others is only to get into college or for a resume. I am sorry that we taught you “down time” is wasted. I am sorry we taught you that only things outside of you can make you happy. I am sorry we didn’t teach you that life is hard and is supposed to be. I am sorry we didn’t stand up for you when our celebrities went completely insane and sexualized children. I am sorry that we swallowed the pill that makes a person having an honest conversation a radical. I am sorry that for you to be you isn’t possible unless you fit the mold of screaming portion of society. I am sorry we didn’t teach you the importance of God and a life well lived. I am sorry we taught you love is disposable.

I am sorry.

The problem is that apologizing doesn’t change the damage so I am going to give you some advice. Those things that you say will never happen? They will. Those who want it will push it, slowly, so you don’t really know it is happening until it is too late. See we never saw the internet as taking over our world and letting poison into our heart. We never imagined that porn would be the largest portion of the internet. We never saw that spending every last penny on garbage, both digital and material, would be this easy. We never imagined that our country would become the biggest customers of… everything. We never thought that our manufacturing jobs would disappear so we could buy things we don’t need cheaper. We stopped thinking about preparing for the future, because there would always be more. We taught you to witness, but not get involved because someone else would. We taught you that you weren’t our most important treasure.

There is so much I can apologize for. We, following in the footsteps to those before us, dropped the ball so we could take the figurative selfie.

We did “us”.

Learn from this old lady and, please, stop listening to all the voices that are telling you to look away from what bothers you. Stop listening to the voices that tell you if it is hard you don’t have to do it. Start having old fashion conversations. Grow a garden, or, at least, learn to cook without a microwave. Read a real book. Come to talk to some of us “old” people who don’t have a phone in our hand and ask us questions. Don’t listen to the those who only shout at you. Find someone who is willing to impart some wisdom in more than 125 characters. Start asking yourself what you think is important and not what you are told is.

For those out there who didn’t drop the ball, didn’t take that selfie, or who decided to listen, teach, learn and stand up.

Thank you.

God Bless.